True Colors

This week has been pretty bad between a sick toddler broken toilets, broken garage door, broken car, CPS frustration, funeral, etc......It has just been bad and I have handled it horribly. After throwing this massive fit today I ran out the back door I could not leave (broken car) so I sat down and cried then I spotted my bible and thought fine I will read it so this is the passage I opened to in James 1


4Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
5-8If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.

My faith life is a murky brown right now thanks be to Abba for reminding me to come to Him for help.

Unexpected love...

I attended a funeral this morning of the priest that baptized me. He was and amazing man of faith and selflessness. He was more than just a priest he was more like family. His wife tutored me and Paul. We camped with his grandchildren who are around our age. His family was a wonderful support when my father was so sick. I have many memories of Fr. Maceo and his kin all very sweet. Two things struck me right in the chest about his funeral today. One there was no eulogy, per Fr. Maceo's request. It wasn't really even a funeral but a worship service focused squarely on Jesus. Fr Maceo thought that Gods grace is what should be celebrated today and it was. The second thing was a story that the officiating priest told about the last conversation he had with Fr. Maceo. A little back story before I recount it. Fr Maceo had Alzheimer's disease it had changed him quite a bit as it does people. I did not see him sick but I have seen people with late stage Alzheimer's before and I know it is a disease that destroys the very things that make people who they are. So with that in mind Fr. Houk told this story about Fr. Maceo. They were sitting in the lobby area of the Alzheimer care center and their was another patient being disruptive and Fr. Maceo looked annoyed and Fr. Houk said something like "Oh Bob it is just another soul that needs God's love" Fr Maceo looked him straight in the eye and said "God is Love" to which Fr Houk said "Undeserved love" to which Fr. Maceo said with a twinkle in his eye "Unexpected love". When this disease had muddled and distorted so many things in the mind of this kind amazing intelligent man, it could not muddle or destroy the faith this man had in the love and grace of his Creator. I find this to be a great comfort

Romans 8
38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Questions

My life is a series of questions right now....Will they stay? Should they stay? How bad will it hurt if they leave? How long will they stay? When is there next visit? Are they confused? What are there parents like? Do they miss them? and thousands more. Some times when it is really hard or when I am scared about the heartache that I will experience if these children are not ours I ask Matt "Why did we do this?" and he says "Because we were called" or "Because He told us too?" and I believe that is true. I am amazed at Gods faithfulness to keep speaking to us even when we spend so little time listening. I have spent very little time in devotion in the last three weeks since the girls arrived. I have prayed a lot asking the questions listed above and many more. This is he scripture he has given me Romans 12:12

12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Praise God for His goodness is over all things!

The Journey

So I have ventured into foster motherhood since my last post. Here is how it went.... last Friday (the Friday before school started) I received a phone call from my case worker say that we had been chosen by CPS for a placement of two girls a 6 mo old and an 18 mo old. I started crying I was so relieved we had been chosen in the weeks prior we had been passed over 3 times that I knew of for placements and that was difficult each time. Matt's phone had died and he was on his way to my school to help me with some last minute preparations for my class. So many people knew before him because I couldn't wait. i made and announcement over the PA and everyone left came in the hall to congratulate me. I went back to my room to pace and look for Matt's car. it seemed like it took him forever to get there. When he finally did I told and we went home to wait. We cleaned house, mostly because we didn't know what else to do. Then our caseworkers showed up then, CPS showed up with the girls. They are beautiful and sweet, and social girls. We spent forever signing papers...it is like buying a house. Then they left it was about 7:30, we fed the girls then out friend Kyle and Jamie came over so Kyle could help Matt and Jamie and I could go to Target. Then everyone cleared out and it was just us four. This last week has been crazy, frustrating, exhausting, exhilarating, fun, and scary. I have gone from wondering if we made the right choice if parenting much less foster parenting is right for us. I have gone from putting strangers to bed to knowing little more about these amazing girls each day. I want them to stay and the thought of them leaving is gut wrenching but pray that I know the Lord's will for my life and theirs. The week before they came I was doing my devotional and this is a passage that I was lead to in Exodus 33. It so spoke to my heart in the frustrating parts of this journey, of what I feel is a calling.

12-13 Moses said to God, "Look, you tell me, 'Lead this people,' but you don't let me know whom you're going to send with me. You tell me, 'I know you well and you are special to me.' If I am so special to you, let me in on your plans. That way, I will continue being special to you. Don't forget, this is your people, your responsibility."
14 God said, "My presence will go with you. I'll see the journey to the end."

Spiritual Twinkies and Cheetos

In the Bible there is many verses about spiritual "milk" or spiritual "meat" or "solid food" such as....
I Corinthians
"1Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. 2I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. "
or
1 Peter 2:2
"2Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation.

Well my spiritual diet lately has consisted of Twinkies and Cheetos, that is all I have been craving novels and crimes shows fatty fluff. Please pray that the Lord giving an appetite for something with sustenance.

The waiting is the hardest part...

Our home study is written and our license is in the mail, which means we are open for placement. So now we just wait. This has made me crazy. I ossicialate between not wanting answer the same questions over and over again and being hurt when people don't ask. On Sunday I didn't really feel like going to church because I knew I would not have answers to any of the questions for all my excited friends. On the way to church I prayed and said " God I am not really feeling it so please show up today" and He did. The sermon was about waiting, and how this time is not in vain but a time where God is preparing you for what is coming, and the scripture she referenced was about Abraham and Sarah waiting for their baby. God is good and He will speak. Our children are coming He has promised me this. As my good friend Marcy said "I look at you and I see someone who is about 6 centimeters dilated right now, it could be any day" Amen

Update

Hello friends. I know it has been a while, it has been a busy and hectic summer. I wanted to update you all on our fostering process. We have received roughly 30 hours of training, had physicals, been fingerprinted, visited with other foster families, had TB tests, our house has been inspected about 3 times by 3 different entities, we have been background checked, or references have been checked, we have filled out questionnaires and been home studied. Our wonderful friends and family members have showered us with gifts and gift cards at 2 amazing showers. Now all we need is some kids! But honestly we have an amazing agency working for us with some very faithful people. The last step we are waiting on is our home study to be written which I am hoping will be complete next week. Then we wait for the placement. I pray that the next time I update this I will be introducing you to our foster child or children. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support during this time, it is felt. I love you all.

Maternal Instinct

I have struggled with this concept for a long time. I have never felt very maternal, and as a women you are expected to feel this way. I mean I like babies just fine. When I see my friends pregnant I am excited for them but I don't experience that longing for a little roly snuggly thing in my womb. I have questioned my normalcy for a long time because of this. I have asked Matt while lying in bed at night "What is wrong with me why don't I want this?" This week the I was in Chicago and I was holding a friends baby and they said something to the effect that I had maternal instinct and I thought I don't feel very motherly.... but then saw a little boy who was playing by himself and something in my heart yearned to sit and talk to him. Later in the week Matt and I were praying with my friends and they prayed for our upcoming family and they said "Lord you place the lonely in families" and right then my heart burst and tears started because my friends had given words to my motherly instinct. As I lay in bed that night the Lord showed me all the ways I had this motherly instinct even though it was different from the normal that he had given me a heart that so longs to provide a family to the lonely. We start our classes tomorrow and I am so excited because I know that this is the path the Lord has chosen for us and that makes my heart sing.

Birthday Party

A couple of weeks ago I had the privilege of going down to Family Gateway( a shelter for homeless families) with some of my friends to throw a birthday party for some of the children their it was a blast. We painted faces, ate cake, had gifts and goodie bags, and a pinata. As I was leaving I thought I could spend every Saturday like this and be happy. Here are some of the pictures:

Each of the birthday kids had there own personal cake then everyone else had a cake to share!

The kids were beautiful and it was so much fun!

Maintain

It has been a long time since I posted I have mostly been trying to maintain. For those of you that know me sometimes it is not easy. Things have been crazy the last two months with family stuff and work stuff. During this time I have been reading some different books. I have read two books "The Mystical way to Evangelism" by Elaine Heath, and "the furious longing of God" by Brennan Manning. I have started reading the Ragamuffin Gospel also by Brennan Manning. These books are all amazing reads and I highly recommend them. I feel like through these books and my bible study the Lord is preparing me for a change in season of my life. "The Mystical way to Evangelism" is about the Christian Mystics and what they have taught about how we live and how we do church. (I know mysticism sounds kinda wacky but it is actually pretty biblical you can wikipedia it if you are interested) It introduces an old way to do church I say old way because it is a return to early Methodism, or even older the church of Acts. Anyways I am pretty excited about that. The other two books are about the gospel of grace. Which I thought I of all people a true "ragamuffin" understood it but there is always room to learn and both of the reads have been a cool drink for a parched soul. These books are helping me redefine my relationship with God. I am always trying to do for God to spin myself into a frenzy to please him. I experience a lot of guilt and frustration when it comes to this. But I am learning through my recent study and reading that faith is about response to what God is doing in your life. In Ragamuffin Gospel there are two quotes that really resonated with me. " A saint is not someone who is good but some one who experiences Gods goodness." I am always trying to be good instead of slowing down and experiencing what God is doing in me. Instead of working with Jesus, I find myself trying to work for Jesus. I picture God as this misery bookkeeper who is always waiting for me to fall, instead of a loving Father. I have no idea where I got this image but I am praying hard against it. I sometimes forget that the Good News is that the one who will judge us is the one who came to save us, and when He reconciles us to Him He dances and sings over us because He is so glad to have us. I just forget that sometimes. Because as Brennan Manning said " When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games. Aristotle said I am a rational animal; I say I am an angel with an incredible capacity for beer. " There are two scriptures that I feel that the Lord has especially placed on my heart for this time in my life and I will close with those.
1 Peter 2:4 (The Message)
Welcome to the living Stone, the source of life. The workmen took one look and threw it out; God set it in the place of honor. Present yourselves as building stones for the construction of a sanctuary vibrant with life, in which you'll serve as holy priests offering Christ-approved lives up to God

Romans 12:1-2
So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it.

Please pray for me in this time of transition that I may hear Gods call and respond to it.


PS I know you are all wondering about the adoption update. We are waiting on our classes we were supposed to take them in April but the were postponed until June. Which was really a blessing as we were dealing with some other stuff at that time. So we will take thos and then have our home study hopefully in July then we will be ready! We are very excited.

Open mouth kissing...

I have waited a few days to write this post because I am not sure what to write. We are called to an extravagant love for all of Gods people and I fail so miserably at this on most days either because I am being to selfish or because I am to afraid of the repercussions of that love. Last Saturday my husband and I took a meal to this hospice where people with AIDS can go if they have nowhere to go and die. We have taken a few meals and have always wanted to stay but this was the first time we had the chance to. So we come bearing pork sandwiches and brownies. We meet the nurses and all the residents.We tour the place. There is a man who is lying in a dark room the nurses say he doesn't get up. You can tell the end is near for him. We sit down and have a meal. We watch Twilight. Matt has a conversation in Spanish. The men there are uncomfortable with us there. The nurses say lots of people bring food but no one has ever stayed. We are in and out in an hour and a half. I cry all the way home because it all feels so stupid and tiny. Sorry about how your life turned out here is some pork. Sorry you are alone. Sorry you somehow slipped through cracks. I cry that night in the shower because I have a house my health a job my family my husband. I cry the whole next day because I wish that I would have held the man who was in the dark rooms hand and told him about how he has a Creator who is completely in love with him.I cry because I love Gods people with an arms length pursed mouth kind of love. I cry out for God to teach me to love in a arms thrown wide kind of love. I ask God to teach me to open mouth kiss His people.

Foster / Adoption Update

Today we had our home visit. This is a really casual introduction between us and the agency we have chosen. I think they do it to make sure we aren't cooking meth or have rabid dogs or something. We actually had more questions for them than they had for us. We worked out our licensing and when our classes will start. They looked around our house to make sure we had room for a child or children. We will be licensed to take two children under the age of 6. We will finish our classes by the end of April and will probably be licensed by June. We may have a baby or babies in June! We are so excited and truly feel as though this is a specific calling on our lives. We are so touched about how supportive everyone has been and truly appreciate the kind words and prayers.

Plans

Matt and I are in the process of filling out paperwork in order to become licensed to foster to adopt. This the the path that God has chosen for us to receive our baby. This is a desire that has been in my heart since I was a child. My mother remembers me telling her I adopted my baby dolls. I feel a lot of things about this process and I have been asked a lot of questions about why we are doing this. People have definitely brought up all of the risks we are taking. They are all good questions and good concerns. But at the end of the day when it is just God and I talking and I say "What if my heart breaks? What if it takes too long? What if my baby never comes? What if I am a bad parent? What if I am doing this for all of the wrong reasons? What if I am not ready?" He responds with peace and it washes over me and I remember that my God is not a god of devastation and if I follow Him he will honor that. We are fostering to adopt which means that the child that is placed with us will not be available for adoption immediately but we will act as foster parents and then if the child is unable to be reunified with their parents or family they would become available for adoption. This is a scary thought. The other night I was driving home thinking about all of this and the Holy Spirit spoke into my heart and said "This is the path to your child, and if along the way you get to love a child in crisis is that the worst thing that could happen." and I decided that would not be the worst thing that could happen and that I will trust Him because as the Good Book says....

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

AMEN!

A choice

Sometimes when I am up at night worrying I wonder how much faith I really have. Do I really believe what I claim to believe? Is it enough and what if I am wrong? All of the questions that I think that believers ask themselves at one point or another. But I realized the other day that faith comes down to a simple choice. I was praying the other day to be freed from a sin that has a particular stronghold in my life. Materialism. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would guide me and give me wisdom that would help me to find my worth in the source of my worth my Creator. So I prayed that prayer then opened my Bible to read and opened to Psalms so I decided to read. I read to Psalm 4 v. 6-8 which in the Message translation says

Why is everyone hungry for more? "More, more," they say. "More, more." I have God's more-than-enough, More joy in one ordinary day.

Than they get in all their shopping sprees. At day's end I'm ready for sound sleep, For you, God, have put my life back together.

My first gut reaction was "What a good word from Abba...for me!" I guess that faith means that the core of my core believes that opening to that passage was not a coincidence, but a good word from the Father in response to a earnest plea from one of his beloved. And on days when I don't feel it, when nothing in my life points to it I just choose it.

My First and My Best

God deserves my first and my best. Period. He does not deserve my leftover, and my trash. Though that is often what he gets. He gets my leftover time, and money and energy. I had an experience this weekend that drove this home for me. Last week I ran at a crazy speed all week. Matt and I hardly saw each other. But we had a whole weekend free. We were going to have 48 hours of uninterrupted time together. By the time Friday came I was run down and sick. I was congested, feverish, and had a headache. I stayed this way for the next three days. Sick, sad, exhausted and demanding. I realized that this is how I often approach the throne of my Savior. Who like Matt is happy to have time with me any way he can get it, and who kindly nurses me back to health. But the fact is he deserves better. He deserves my first and my best. The rest of the world can have my leftover.

Purpose

On Fridays I take the train downtown to feed the homeless. For two hours I scoop out vegetables or rice and meat for people that live at the shelter. I don't make much of a difference there. They don't need me there they are not short on kitchen staff (which is made up completely by the residents). They get the meal served whether I am there are not. I try to form relationships with the people. But they are a tough crowd...it is not only a shelter but it is also a rehab most of the people that live there are trying to get clean or stay clean. The ones that are friendly disappear after a couple of weeks. We used to pick up 3 guys on Sunday for church and we all went to lunch Matt would sometimes play ball with them. We went on vacation this summer and when we went back to the shelter they had disappeared. So much so that no one at the shelter knew who they were by the time we got back. This broke my heart. I had nightmares about where they were what they were doing or what was being done to them. So I quit going. I dropped out. I reasoned it away by saying I was too busy, but the truth is that it just hurt to bad to love those people. They were too raw, they lied too much, and then they disappeared. So after about 6 months I went back I felt drawn back. Something in my chest just kept gnawing at me to go back. So I did 4 weeks ago. My friends are still gone there is a new crop of faces some who have already disappeared. I repeat I am of no use at this place . Most of the people don't want me there if they even notice I am there. They get frustrated at me if I do not serve fast enough or if I give them peas when they don't want them, if I give them too much or too little. It is not a warm fuzzy experience. But I am drawn there and I trust there is a reason. So I go every Friday and I wear a hairnet, serve greens, smile at people who hardly ever smile back and when there is a lull I look for my friends and feel torn between being worried and relieved they are not there. I worry about them being on the street and I am hopeful that they stayed clean and reconciled with their children and family. So I scoop greens and I choke back tears, and I have to believe that God has a purpose for me to be there to cry for his children and to pray. Because otherwise I am not much good there.