Faithful in Prayer

I am doing ok...most days I go along fine. I mean I am trying to be "joyful in hope, and patient in affliction" its the "faithful in prayer" thing that is getting me right now. I mean it is not that I am too angry to talk to God right now. I am not. It's just that when I talk to him I talk to him about the girls and how Panda always climbed in the dishwasher while I was loading it or how Abby could take her socks off with just her feet. Or the thousand other things I remember. Then when I think about those I start crying and I am afraid that I won't be able to stop. I am ready to be at a place where these memories bring joy instead of pain, but that is not where I am right now. So I guess I am asking that you all my amazing cloud of witnesses be faithful in prayer for me until I can be.

Promises

First off I want to thank everyone for the thoughts and prayer and messages. We have felt love and supported and taken care of. So thank you.....

So the girls left to go to a kinship placement. For those of you unfamiliar with foster care this is pretty typical, nothing went wrong. The state's goal is reunification and a kinship placement (placed with a relative) is closer to that than we are. The girls parents will continue to work services in hopes of regaining custody. We will not receive updates or have any contact with the girls our roles in their lives are over. We continue to pray that the Lord works a healing miracle in this family.

We are grieving this loss staying busy planning trips and we will take some time off but we will reopen our home for placement in late March. Many people have asked how we can continue to do this, or have said that they would just quit, some who love us dearly and hate to see us hurt have implored us to reconsider this path. And that is logical trust me my brain has questioned this many times why I am doing this if it will ultimately break me if i am strong enough and so on and so on....but at the end of all that my heart still knows that this is the path the Lord has set for me and it doesn't make sense in my mind but it does in my soul, and in my heart.

This morning I was reading Exodus and I was reading about how God was leading the Israelites out of bondage through the wilderness to the Promised Land. I read about how they were groaning and complaining and how God was providing for them. I thought that is nice.....then I was brushing my teeth and the Holy Spirit spoke right to my heart and he said you know I promised you a family and I called you to walk through this wilderness and I have been with you and I will continue to walk with you through this to my promise. Then my heart started pounding because We are the Israelites and we are walking through the wilderness , and our promised child or children is the Promised Land, and then my heart was pounding so loud as I remembered how He has given provision and grown us, I could hear it in my ears, because get this, God is ...... well He is still God. Isn't it funny that was my exciting revelation this morning God is God just like He always has been.

So you see friends under normal circumstances I would also quit. But the God of the universe has offered to walk with me through this then fulfill a promise to me at the end. So I can't quit because this is just to exciting, and my children are still coming.

Also on a closing note don't feel too sorry for us because we got five months with these amazing kids, and if you knew them you know that is something to envy not pity. They taught me so much, and in some way I will always be there mother.

True Colors

This week has been pretty bad between a sick toddler broken toilets, broken garage door, broken car, CPS frustration, funeral, etc......It has just been bad and I have handled it horribly. After throwing this massive fit today I ran out the back door I could not leave (broken car) so I sat down and cried then I spotted my bible and thought fine I will read it so this is the passage I opened to in James 1


4Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
5-8If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.

My faith life is a murky brown right now thanks be to Abba for reminding me to come to Him for help.

Unexpected love...

I attended a funeral this morning of the priest that baptized me. He was and amazing man of faith and selflessness. He was more than just a priest he was more like family. His wife tutored me and Paul. We camped with his grandchildren who are around our age. His family was a wonderful support when my father was so sick. I have many memories of Fr. Maceo and his kin all very sweet. Two things struck me right in the chest about his funeral today. One there was no eulogy, per Fr. Maceo's request. It wasn't really even a funeral but a worship service focused squarely on Jesus. Fr Maceo thought that Gods grace is what should be celebrated today and it was. The second thing was a story that the officiating priest told about the last conversation he had with Fr. Maceo. A little back story before I recount it. Fr Maceo had Alzheimer's disease it had changed him quite a bit as it does people. I did not see him sick but I have seen people with late stage Alzheimer's before and I know it is a disease that destroys the very things that make people who they are. So with that in mind Fr. Houk told this story about Fr. Maceo. They were sitting in the lobby area of the Alzheimer care center and their was another patient being disruptive and Fr. Maceo looked annoyed and Fr. Houk said something like "Oh Bob it is just another soul that needs God's love" Fr Maceo looked him straight in the eye and said "God is Love" to which Fr Houk said "Undeserved love" to which Fr. Maceo said with a twinkle in his eye "Unexpected love". When this disease had muddled and distorted so many things in the mind of this kind amazing intelligent man, it could not muddle or destroy the faith this man had in the love and grace of his Creator. I find this to be a great comfort

Romans 8
38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Questions

My life is a series of questions right now....Will they stay? Should they stay? How bad will it hurt if they leave? How long will they stay? When is there next visit? Are they confused? What are there parents like? Do they miss them? and thousands more. Some times when it is really hard or when I am scared about the heartache that I will experience if these children are not ours I ask Matt "Why did we do this?" and he says "Because we were called" or "Because He told us too?" and I believe that is true. I am amazed at Gods faithfulness to keep speaking to us even when we spend so little time listening. I have spent very little time in devotion in the last three weeks since the girls arrived. I have prayed a lot asking the questions listed above and many more. This is he scripture he has given me Romans 12:12

12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Praise God for His goodness is over all things!

The Journey

So I have ventured into foster motherhood since my last post. Here is how it went.... last Friday (the Friday before school started) I received a phone call from my case worker say that we had been chosen by CPS for a placement of two girls a 6 mo old and an 18 mo old. I started crying I was so relieved we had been chosen in the weeks prior we had been passed over 3 times that I knew of for placements and that was difficult each time. Matt's phone had died and he was on his way to my school to help me with some last minute preparations for my class. So many people knew before him because I couldn't wait. i made and announcement over the PA and everyone left came in the hall to congratulate me. I went back to my room to pace and look for Matt's car. it seemed like it took him forever to get there. When he finally did I told and we went home to wait. We cleaned house, mostly because we didn't know what else to do. Then our caseworkers showed up then, CPS showed up with the girls. They are beautiful and sweet, and social girls. We spent forever signing papers...it is like buying a house. Then they left it was about 7:30, we fed the girls then out friend Kyle and Jamie came over so Kyle could help Matt and Jamie and I could go to Target. Then everyone cleared out and it was just us four. This last week has been crazy, frustrating, exhausting, exhilarating, fun, and scary. I have gone from wondering if we made the right choice if parenting much less foster parenting is right for us. I have gone from putting strangers to bed to knowing little more about these amazing girls each day. I want them to stay and the thought of them leaving is gut wrenching but pray that I know the Lord's will for my life and theirs. The week before they came I was doing my devotional and this is a passage that I was lead to in Exodus 33. It so spoke to my heart in the frustrating parts of this journey, of what I feel is a calling.

12-13 Moses said to God, "Look, you tell me, 'Lead this people,' but you don't let me know whom you're going to send with me. You tell me, 'I know you well and you are special to me.' If I am so special to you, let me in on your plans. That way, I will continue being special to you. Don't forget, this is your people, your responsibility."
14 God said, "My presence will go with you. I'll see the journey to the end."

Spiritual Twinkies and Cheetos

In the Bible there is many verses about spiritual "milk" or spiritual "meat" or "solid food" such as....
I Corinthians
"1Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. 2I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. "
or
1 Peter 2:2
"2Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation.

Well my spiritual diet lately has consisted of Twinkies and Cheetos, that is all I have been craving novels and crimes shows fatty fluff. Please pray that the Lord giving an appetite for something with sustenance.