Maternal Instinct

I have struggled with this concept for a long time. I have never felt very maternal, and as a women you are expected to feel this way. I mean I like babies just fine. When I see my friends pregnant I am excited for them but I don't experience that longing for a little roly snuggly thing in my womb. I have questioned my normalcy for a long time because of this. I have asked Matt while lying in bed at night "What is wrong with me why don't I want this?" This week the I was in Chicago and I was holding a friends baby and they said something to the effect that I had maternal instinct and I thought I don't feel very motherly.... but then saw a little boy who was playing by himself and something in my heart yearned to sit and talk to him. Later in the week Matt and I were praying with my friends and they prayed for our upcoming family and they said "Lord you place the lonely in families" and right then my heart burst and tears started because my friends had given words to my motherly instinct. As I lay in bed that night the Lord showed me all the ways I had this motherly instinct even though it was different from the normal that he had given me a heart that so longs to provide a family to the lonely. We start our classes tomorrow and I am so excited because I know that this is the path the Lord has chosen for us and that makes my heart sing.

Birthday Party

A couple of weeks ago I had the privilege of going down to Family Gateway( a shelter for homeless families) with some of my friends to throw a birthday party for some of the children their it was a blast. We painted faces, ate cake, had gifts and goodie bags, and a pinata. As I was leaving I thought I could spend every Saturday like this and be happy. Here are some of the pictures:

Each of the birthday kids had there own personal cake then everyone else had a cake to share!

The kids were beautiful and it was so much fun!

Maintain

It has been a long time since I posted I have mostly been trying to maintain. For those of you that know me sometimes it is not easy. Things have been crazy the last two months with family stuff and work stuff. During this time I have been reading some different books. I have read two books "The Mystical way to Evangelism" by Elaine Heath, and "the furious longing of God" by Brennan Manning. I have started reading the Ragamuffin Gospel also by Brennan Manning. These books are all amazing reads and I highly recommend them. I feel like through these books and my bible study the Lord is preparing me for a change in season of my life. "The Mystical way to Evangelism" is about the Christian Mystics and what they have taught about how we live and how we do church. (I know mysticism sounds kinda wacky but it is actually pretty biblical you can wikipedia it if you are interested) It introduces an old way to do church I say old way because it is a return to early Methodism, or even older the church of Acts. Anyways I am pretty excited about that. The other two books are about the gospel of grace. Which I thought I of all people a true "ragamuffin" understood it but there is always room to learn and both of the reads have been a cool drink for a parched soul. These books are helping me redefine my relationship with God. I am always trying to do for God to spin myself into a frenzy to please him. I experience a lot of guilt and frustration when it comes to this. But I am learning through my recent study and reading that faith is about response to what God is doing in your life. In Ragamuffin Gospel there are two quotes that really resonated with me. " A saint is not someone who is good but some one who experiences Gods goodness." I am always trying to be good instead of slowing down and experiencing what God is doing in me. Instead of working with Jesus, I find myself trying to work for Jesus. I picture God as this misery bookkeeper who is always waiting for me to fall, instead of a loving Father. I have no idea where I got this image but I am praying hard against it. I sometimes forget that the Good News is that the one who will judge us is the one who came to save us, and when He reconciles us to Him He dances and sings over us because He is so glad to have us. I just forget that sometimes. Because as Brennan Manning said " When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games. Aristotle said I am a rational animal; I say I am an angel with an incredible capacity for beer. " There are two scriptures that I feel that the Lord has especially placed on my heart for this time in my life and I will close with those.
1 Peter 2:4 (The Message)
Welcome to the living Stone, the source of life. The workmen took one look and threw it out; God set it in the place of honor. Present yourselves as building stones for the construction of a sanctuary vibrant with life, in which you'll serve as holy priests offering Christ-approved lives up to God

Romans 12:1-2
So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it.

Please pray for me in this time of transition that I may hear Gods call and respond to it.


PS I know you are all wondering about the adoption update. We are waiting on our classes we were supposed to take them in April but the were postponed until June. Which was really a blessing as we were dealing with some other stuff at that time. So we will take thos and then have our home study hopefully in July then we will be ready! We are very excited.

Open mouth kissing...

I have waited a few days to write this post because I am not sure what to write. We are called to an extravagant love for all of Gods people and I fail so miserably at this on most days either because I am being to selfish or because I am to afraid of the repercussions of that love. Last Saturday my husband and I took a meal to this hospice where people with AIDS can go if they have nowhere to go and die. We have taken a few meals and have always wanted to stay but this was the first time we had the chance to. So we come bearing pork sandwiches and brownies. We meet the nurses and all the residents.We tour the place. There is a man who is lying in a dark room the nurses say he doesn't get up. You can tell the end is near for him. We sit down and have a meal. We watch Twilight. Matt has a conversation in Spanish. The men there are uncomfortable with us there. The nurses say lots of people bring food but no one has ever stayed. We are in and out in an hour and a half. I cry all the way home because it all feels so stupid and tiny. Sorry about how your life turned out here is some pork. Sorry you are alone. Sorry you somehow slipped through cracks. I cry that night in the shower because I have a house my health a job my family my husband. I cry the whole next day because I wish that I would have held the man who was in the dark rooms hand and told him about how he has a Creator who is completely in love with him.I cry because I love Gods people with an arms length pursed mouth kind of love. I cry out for God to teach me to love in a arms thrown wide kind of love. I ask God to teach me to open mouth kiss His people.

Foster / Adoption Update

Today we had our home visit. This is a really casual introduction between us and the agency we have chosen. I think they do it to make sure we aren't cooking meth or have rabid dogs or something. We actually had more questions for them than they had for us. We worked out our licensing and when our classes will start. They looked around our house to make sure we had room for a child or children. We will be licensed to take two children under the age of 6. We will finish our classes by the end of April and will probably be licensed by June. We may have a baby or babies in June! We are so excited and truly feel as though this is a specific calling on our lives. We are so touched about how supportive everyone has been and truly appreciate the kind words and prayers.

Plans

Matt and I are in the process of filling out paperwork in order to become licensed to foster to adopt. This the the path that God has chosen for us to receive our baby. This is a desire that has been in my heart since I was a child. My mother remembers me telling her I adopted my baby dolls. I feel a lot of things about this process and I have been asked a lot of questions about why we are doing this. People have definitely brought up all of the risks we are taking. They are all good questions and good concerns. But at the end of the day when it is just God and I talking and I say "What if my heart breaks? What if it takes too long? What if my baby never comes? What if I am a bad parent? What if I am doing this for all of the wrong reasons? What if I am not ready?" He responds with peace and it washes over me and I remember that my God is not a god of devastation and if I follow Him he will honor that. We are fostering to adopt which means that the child that is placed with us will not be available for adoption immediately but we will act as foster parents and then if the child is unable to be reunified with their parents or family they would become available for adoption. This is a scary thought. The other night I was driving home thinking about all of this and the Holy Spirit spoke into my heart and said "This is the path to your child, and if along the way you get to love a child in crisis is that the worst thing that could happen." and I decided that would not be the worst thing that could happen and that I will trust Him because as the Good Book says....

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

AMEN!

A choice

Sometimes when I am up at night worrying I wonder how much faith I really have. Do I really believe what I claim to believe? Is it enough and what if I am wrong? All of the questions that I think that believers ask themselves at one point or another. But I realized the other day that faith comes down to a simple choice. I was praying the other day to be freed from a sin that has a particular stronghold in my life. Materialism. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would guide me and give me wisdom that would help me to find my worth in the source of my worth my Creator. So I prayed that prayer then opened my Bible to read and opened to Psalms so I decided to read. I read to Psalm 4 v. 6-8 which in the Message translation says

Why is everyone hungry for more? "More, more," they say. "More, more." I have God's more-than-enough, More joy in one ordinary day.

Than they get in all their shopping sprees. At day's end I'm ready for sound sleep, For you, God, have put my life back together.

My first gut reaction was "What a good word from Abba...for me!" I guess that faith means that the core of my core believes that opening to that passage was not a coincidence, but a good word from the Father in response to a earnest plea from one of his beloved. And on days when I don't feel it, when nothing in my life points to it I just choose it.