The face of Jesus

**Disclaimer- awkward rambling post but thats where I'm at!

Lots has happened recently...we have gotten our second placement a boy almost 4 and a girl almost 2. We have been busy trasitionaing into life as parents again. I asked the Lord to bring me children before Easter and they came the Thursday before! God is so good! The kids are great and this time has definately been an easier adjustment. We have also left our church and have been attending Mercy Place which is very different than Lovers Lane. This has been quit an adjustment. We have felt the call to leave Lovers Lane for quite some time now and have chosen comfort. But two months ago the Lord made it crystal clear that we were to go and we did. It was hard to do, we have been at Lovers Lane for five years and we have some wonderful relationships there. The transition has been uncomfortable because we were so close with Lovers Lane. We have been attending the Sunday service and a small group. It is good, this is a church after the heart of Jesus and I am being challenged in so many ways. But I am out of my comfort zone and still forming relationships and I feel a disconnect from my old friends and from my comfort zone and from God.... I am having a hard time abandoning myself and just worshipping and encountering God because I am too busy watching others and feeling self conscious. All that being said I have watched and experienced som amazing stuff in the last few weeks. This morning we were singing a worship song about seeing the face of God and the face of Jesus and I was praying and and asking to see his face to experince his glory and very quickly almost immediatly like a punch to the gut I saw the face of my foster son, then my foster daughter, then my brother, then the woman that works in my classroom, then Matt, and some of the guys from the shelter and you and you and him and her. And suddenly I didn't feel so disconnected amen....

Rest in You

Well we are back on the open placement list after a two month break. The two months off were spent grieving and processing the experience having then losing the girls. I wish that I could say that I used the time wisely but I mostly shopped and watched TV. This morning I woke up early this morning to spend time with God. I intend to do this many mornings but truly do not most mornings. I listened to some worship music and read and prayed and wrote in my journal. I listened to a Waterdeep song that I have heard many times but never made much of an impact. This morning the words really took root in my heart.

All of my fears and trials Lord All of my doubts All of my shouts All of my fears and trials Lord Rest in You All of my hopes and smiles Lord All of my songs All of my longings All of my hopes and smiles Lord Rest in You You’re loving You’re patient You’re strong and true All goodness All mercy are found in You All of the praises of the Earth Rest in You All of our worries and our shame All of our hiding All of our fighting All of our worries and our shame Rest in You All of our greatest victories Lord All of our passions All that we have Everything we hold back, Oh Lord We rest in You All Praise to the One who loves me All of the nations of the Earth All of our wills All of our idols All of the nations of the EarthThey Rest in You All of the times and seasons Lord All of our griefs All of our All of the times and seasons Lord

Then I read Psalm 27 and the end of it reads
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Then I rolled over and checked my phone and had a bout 12 missed calls from our caseworker between 10:45 and 11:00 pm and I knew that we had missed a placement. I was so sad and frustrated and angry. But those sweet word of reassurance that He gave me early this morning took the edge off of these feelings. I will wait in the Lord and for the Lord for He is faithful....

Faithful in Prayer

I am doing ok...most days I go along fine. I mean I am trying to be "joyful in hope, and patient in affliction" its the "faithful in prayer" thing that is getting me right now. I mean it is not that I am too angry to talk to God right now. I am not. It's just that when I talk to him I talk to him about the girls and how Panda always climbed in the dishwasher while I was loading it or how Abby could take her socks off with just her feet. Or the thousand other things I remember. Then when I think about those I start crying and I am afraid that I won't be able to stop. I am ready to be at a place where these memories bring joy instead of pain, but that is not where I am right now. So I guess I am asking that you all my amazing cloud of witnesses be faithful in prayer for me until I can be.

Promises

First off I want to thank everyone for the thoughts and prayer and messages. We have felt love and supported and taken care of. So thank you.....

So the girls left to go to a kinship placement. For those of you unfamiliar with foster care this is pretty typical, nothing went wrong. The state's goal is reunification and a kinship placement (placed with a relative) is closer to that than we are. The girls parents will continue to work services in hopes of regaining custody. We will not receive updates or have any contact with the girls our roles in their lives are over. We continue to pray that the Lord works a healing miracle in this family.

We are grieving this loss staying busy planning trips and we will take some time off but we will reopen our home for placement in late March. Many people have asked how we can continue to do this, or have said that they would just quit, some who love us dearly and hate to see us hurt have implored us to reconsider this path. And that is logical trust me my brain has questioned this many times why I am doing this if it will ultimately break me if i am strong enough and so on and so on....but at the end of all that my heart still knows that this is the path the Lord has set for me and it doesn't make sense in my mind but it does in my soul, and in my heart.

This morning I was reading Exodus and I was reading about how God was leading the Israelites out of bondage through the wilderness to the Promised Land. I read about how they were groaning and complaining and how God was providing for them. I thought that is nice.....then I was brushing my teeth and the Holy Spirit spoke right to my heart and he said you know I promised you a family and I called you to walk through this wilderness and I have been with you and I will continue to walk with you through this to my promise. Then my heart started pounding because We are the Israelites and we are walking through the wilderness , and our promised child or children is the Promised Land, and then my heart was pounding so loud as I remembered how He has given provision and grown us, I could hear it in my ears, because get this, God is ...... well He is still God. Isn't it funny that was my exciting revelation this morning God is God just like He always has been.

So you see friends under normal circumstances I would also quit. But the God of the universe has offered to walk with me through this then fulfill a promise to me at the end. So I can't quit because this is just to exciting, and my children are still coming.

Also on a closing note don't feel too sorry for us because we got five months with these amazing kids, and if you knew them you know that is something to envy not pity. They taught me so much, and in some way I will always be there mother.

True Colors

This week has been pretty bad between a sick toddler broken toilets, broken garage door, broken car, CPS frustration, funeral, etc......It has just been bad and I have handled it horribly. After throwing this massive fit today I ran out the back door I could not leave (broken car) so I sat down and cried then I spotted my bible and thought fine I will read it so this is the passage I opened to in James 1


4Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
5-8If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.

My faith life is a murky brown right now thanks be to Abba for reminding me to come to Him for help.

Unexpected love...

I attended a funeral this morning of the priest that baptized me. He was and amazing man of faith and selflessness. He was more than just a priest he was more like family. His wife tutored me and Paul. We camped with his grandchildren who are around our age. His family was a wonderful support when my father was so sick. I have many memories of Fr. Maceo and his kin all very sweet. Two things struck me right in the chest about his funeral today. One there was no eulogy, per Fr. Maceo's request. It wasn't really even a funeral but a worship service focused squarely on Jesus. Fr Maceo thought that Gods grace is what should be celebrated today and it was. The second thing was a story that the officiating priest told about the last conversation he had with Fr. Maceo. A little back story before I recount it. Fr Maceo had Alzheimer's disease it had changed him quite a bit as it does people. I did not see him sick but I have seen people with late stage Alzheimer's before and I know it is a disease that destroys the very things that make people who they are. So with that in mind Fr. Houk told this story about Fr. Maceo. They were sitting in the lobby area of the Alzheimer care center and their was another patient being disruptive and Fr. Maceo looked annoyed and Fr. Houk said something like "Oh Bob it is just another soul that needs God's love" Fr Maceo looked him straight in the eye and said "God is Love" to which Fr Houk said "Undeserved love" to which Fr. Maceo said with a twinkle in his eye "Unexpected love". When this disease had muddled and distorted so many things in the mind of this kind amazing intelligent man, it could not muddle or destroy the faith this man had in the love and grace of his Creator. I find this to be a great comfort

Romans 8
38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Questions

My life is a series of questions right now....Will they stay? Should they stay? How bad will it hurt if they leave? How long will they stay? When is there next visit? Are they confused? What are there parents like? Do they miss them? and thousands more. Some times when it is really hard or when I am scared about the heartache that I will experience if these children are not ours I ask Matt "Why did we do this?" and he says "Because we were called" or "Because He told us too?" and I believe that is true. I am amazed at Gods faithfulness to keep speaking to us even when we spend so little time listening. I have spent very little time in devotion in the last three weeks since the girls arrived. I have prayed a lot asking the questions listed above and many more. This is he scripture he has given me Romans 12:12

12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Praise God for His goodness is over all things!