The Journey

So I have ventured into foster motherhood since my last post. Here is how it went.... last Friday (the Friday before school started) I received a phone call from my case worker say that we had been chosen by CPS for a placement of two girls a 6 mo old and an 18 mo old. I started crying I was so relieved we had been chosen in the weeks prior we had been passed over 3 times that I knew of for placements and that was difficult each time. Matt's phone had died and he was on his way to my school to help me with some last minute preparations for my class. So many people knew before him because I couldn't wait. i made and announcement over the PA and everyone left came in the hall to congratulate me. I went back to my room to pace and look for Matt's car. it seemed like it took him forever to get there. When he finally did I told and we went home to wait. We cleaned house, mostly because we didn't know what else to do. Then our caseworkers showed up then, CPS showed up with the girls. They are beautiful and sweet, and social girls. We spent forever signing papers...it is like buying a house. Then they left it was about 7:30, we fed the girls then out friend Kyle and Jamie came over so Kyle could help Matt and Jamie and I could go to Target. Then everyone cleared out and it was just us four. This last week has been crazy, frustrating, exhausting, exhilarating, fun, and scary. I have gone from wondering if we made the right choice if parenting much less foster parenting is right for us. I have gone from putting strangers to bed to knowing little more about these amazing girls each day. I want them to stay and the thought of them leaving is gut wrenching but pray that I know the Lord's will for my life and theirs. The week before they came I was doing my devotional and this is a passage that I was lead to in Exodus 33. It so spoke to my heart in the frustrating parts of this journey, of what I feel is a calling.

12-13 Moses said to God, "Look, you tell me, 'Lead this people,' but you don't let me know whom you're going to send with me. You tell me, 'I know you well and you are special to me.' If I am so special to you, let me in on your plans. That way, I will continue being special to you. Don't forget, this is your people, your responsibility."
14 God said, "My presence will go with you. I'll see the journey to the end."

Spiritual Twinkies and Cheetos

In the Bible there is many verses about spiritual "milk" or spiritual "meat" or "solid food" such as....
I Corinthians
"1Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. 2I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. "
or
1 Peter 2:2
"2Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation.

Well my spiritual diet lately has consisted of Twinkies and Cheetos, that is all I have been craving novels and crimes shows fatty fluff. Please pray that the Lord giving an appetite for something with sustenance.

The waiting is the hardest part...

Our home study is written and our license is in the mail, which means we are open for placement. So now we just wait. This has made me crazy. I ossicialate between not wanting answer the same questions over and over again and being hurt when people don't ask. On Sunday I didn't really feel like going to church because I knew I would not have answers to any of the questions for all my excited friends. On the way to church I prayed and said " God I am not really feeling it so please show up today" and He did. The sermon was about waiting, and how this time is not in vain but a time where God is preparing you for what is coming, and the scripture she referenced was about Abraham and Sarah waiting for their baby. God is good and He will speak. Our children are coming He has promised me this. As my good friend Marcy said "I look at you and I see someone who is about 6 centimeters dilated right now, it could be any day" Amen

Update

Hello friends. I know it has been a while, it has been a busy and hectic summer. I wanted to update you all on our fostering process. We have received roughly 30 hours of training, had physicals, been fingerprinted, visited with other foster families, had TB tests, our house has been inspected about 3 times by 3 different entities, we have been background checked, or references have been checked, we have filled out questionnaires and been home studied. Our wonderful friends and family members have showered us with gifts and gift cards at 2 amazing showers. Now all we need is some kids! But honestly we have an amazing agency working for us with some very faithful people. The last step we are waiting on is our home study to be written which I am hoping will be complete next week. Then we wait for the placement. I pray that the next time I update this I will be introducing you to our foster child or children. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support during this time, it is felt. I love you all.

Maternal Instinct

I have struggled with this concept for a long time. I have never felt very maternal, and as a women you are expected to feel this way. I mean I like babies just fine. When I see my friends pregnant I am excited for them but I don't experience that longing for a little roly snuggly thing in my womb. I have questioned my normalcy for a long time because of this. I have asked Matt while lying in bed at night "What is wrong with me why don't I want this?" This week the I was in Chicago and I was holding a friends baby and they said something to the effect that I had maternal instinct and I thought I don't feel very motherly.... but then saw a little boy who was playing by himself and something in my heart yearned to sit and talk to him. Later in the week Matt and I were praying with my friends and they prayed for our upcoming family and they said "Lord you place the lonely in families" and right then my heart burst and tears started because my friends had given words to my motherly instinct. As I lay in bed that night the Lord showed me all the ways I had this motherly instinct even though it was different from the normal that he had given me a heart that so longs to provide a family to the lonely. We start our classes tomorrow and I am so excited because I know that this is the path the Lord has chosen for us and that makes my heart sing.

Birthday Party

A couple of weeks ago I had the privilege of going down to Family Gateway( a shelter for homeless families) with some of my friends to throw a birthday party for some of the children their it was a blast. We painted faces, ate cake, had gifts and goodie bags, and a pinata. As I was leaving I thought I could spend every Saturday like this and be happy. Here are some of the pictures:

Each of the birthday kids had there own personal cake then everyone else had a cake to share!

The kids were beautiful and it was so much fun!

Maintain

It has been a long time since I posted I have mostly been trying to maintain. For those of you that know me sometimes it is not easy. Things have been crazy the last two months with family stuff and work stuff. During this time I have been reading some different books. I have read two books "The Mystical way to Evangelism" by Elaine Heath, and "the furious longing of God" by Brennan Manning. I have started reading the Ragamuffin Gospel also by Brennan Manning. These books are all amazing reads and I highly recommend them. I feel like through these books and my bible study the Lord is preparing me for a change in season of my life. "The Mystical way to Evangelism" is about the Christian Mystics and what they have taught about how we live and how we do church. (I know mysticism sounds kinda wacky but it is actually pretty biblical you can wikipedia it if you are interested) It introduces an old way to do church I say old way because it is a return to early Methodism, or even older the church of Acts. Anyways I am pretty excited about that. The other two books are about the gospel of grace. Which I thought I of all people a true "ragamuffin" understood it but there is always room to learn and both of the reads have been a cool drink for a parched soul. These books are helping me redefine my relationship with God. I am always trying to do for God to spin myself into a frenzy to please him. I experience a lot of guilt and frustration when it comes to this. But I am learning through my recent study and reading that faith is about response to what God is doing in your life. In Ragamuffin Gospel there are two quotes that really resonated with me. " A saint is not someone who is good but some one who experiences Gods goodness." I am always trying to be good instead of slowing down and experiencing what God is doing in me. Instead of working with Jesus, I find myself trying to work for Jesus. I picture God as this misery bookkeeper who is always waiting for me to fall, instead of a loving Father. I have no idea where I got this image but I am praying hard against it. I sometimes forget that the Good News is that the one who will judge us is the one who came to save us, and when He reconciles us to Him He dances and sings over us because He is so glad to have us. I just forget that sometimes. Because as Brennan Manning said " When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games. Aristotle said I am a rational animal; I say I am an angel with an incredible capacity for beer. " There are two scriptures that I feel that the Lord has especially placed on my heart for this time in my life and I will close with those.
1 Peter 2:4 (The Message)
Welcome to the living Stone, the source of life. The workmen took one look and threw it out; God set it in the place of honor. Present yourselves as building stones for the construction of a sanctuary vibrant with life, in which you'll serve as holy priests offering Christ-approved lives up to God

Romans 12:1-2
So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it.

Please pray for me in this time of transition that I may hear Gods call and respond to it.


PS I know you are all wondering about the adoption update. We are waiting on our classes we were supposed to take them in April but the were postponed until June. Which was really a blessing as we were dealing with some other stuff at that time. So we will take thos and then have our home study hopefully in July then we will be ready! We are very excited.