Shekhinah Falling

Moving!

2011-02-06T10:23:00.000-08:00

I am now permenantly moving my blog to here so if you have been following our journey her hop on over and follow it there! Thanks!

Temporal/Permenant/Eternal

2011-01-24T06:20:00.000-08:00

Being a foster parent gives you an different perspective on time. You live a very temporary existence. You often times have no idea when children will be coming or going. You don't plan birthday parties or vacations in advance, you don't finish your Christmas shopping early. You don't fill out baby books because a bunch half filled out baby books are depressing. You carry on family traditions with a completely different family every holiday, so they don't so much feel like traditions. When we were was driving to Christmas Eve service this year I thought I did this with a completely different family last year (except for Matt) and I will do it again with a completely different family next year (except Matt and Isaiah). Your life is very temporary and abrupt. Rooms must be able to transition from age to age or from one gender to another. You have a just add water family. In the last year and a half I went from zero children to two back to zero back to two then up to three and now it looks like we will be back down to one very soon. You live in the temporal from court date to court date to mediation never knowing when you will get the call that they will be going home or to kin. You parent in spurts only seeing some of the harvest of the seeds you have sown. If you have had a placement for awhile the people in your life (who mostly exist in the permanent) forget that your family exists in the temporal. They are shocked when nine months later you announce that your (foster) kids will be going home. They ask "Why now?" they are confused and even outraged. And sometimes you may feel that way too. But you remind yourself that you don't live where they do, you live in the temporal. This has become even more obvious to me recently. I have an adoptive placement a little piece of permanent in my temporal world. But I am having a hard time adjusting. I have not been keeping a baby book. Some one asked me if I was going to through a big birthday part on his 1st birthday my first thought was "If he is still here". All of this can be super frustrating and confusing but thankfully as a believer there is another kind of time that is of the utmost importance the eternal . In those moments where you feel like you are spinning your wheels in a broken system you can rest in the fact that your work does have eternal value.

Kingdom Stuff

2011-01-11T09:51:00.000-08:00

For the past two years we have had the privilege of attending our foster agency Kornerstone's Christmas party. This is an interesting celebration comprised of a show choir , some awkward MC-ing (is this a word?), chicken wings, the Rangers mascot, and foster families of all shapes and sizes. The last thing on that list is what makes it special. I know that the life we have been called to is not the norm and because of that it can get kinda lonely. People don't understand. In public strangers stare at you. Your friends say things like "But don't you want kids?" as you have three attached to your body. I am not saying this to get pity don't get me wrong I want NO other life, but sometimes it is lonely. But for 3 hours a year in Pantego, Texas we are part of the norm. I look around the room and see all these families a potpourri of colors, many with kids who have disabilities, and no one is staring, no gaping mouth's, or whispering, or glances, or insensitive questions and for that 3 hours I don't have to explain myself to anyone. I don't have to bite my tongue and pray for grace because these people get it. They look around and see what I see. That maybe the table we are sitting at looks like The banquet table. Maybe for that 3 hours Kingdom comes on earth as it is in heaven.

Blogs of Note

2011-01-07T13:10:00.000-08:00

I came across this post while I was reading my regular adoption blogs and thought I would try it to drum up readership so here goes nothing. Also hop over and check out this blog this family is the real deal doing real kingdom work!

God is my salvation

2010-10-30T04:04:00.000-07:00

I finally got the call. The call that I always wondered about. When it would come? Where I would be? What I would be doing?Who would be on the other end? What they would say?

My last blog I talked about adoption frenzy, well that frenzy had spread to rest of my life. I wanted to quit my job, and sell my house, then I wanted to remodel my house, and so on. I was itchy, restless, and losing sleep. I wanted answers what was next, what did God have for me?Then one night driving home from a fondue night the Lord spoke very clearly (why does He always talk to me in the car?) He said essentially wherever I send you, whatever I have for you, is good it always is. So just stop questiioning and enjoy it. I went home crashed and slept through the night. the next morning I was sitting in my classroom talking to a women who I work with (who was instumental in Matt and I taking this journey) and I was sharing with her what the Lord had told me, then my class phone rang and it was Matt which was unusual. He said "Do you remember Baby Boy?" My mind raced he was one that we had been submitted for a couple of months ago out of Houston. The next words out of his mouth were some of the sweetest I have ever heard "We were chosen." Screaming and crying, jumping and running ensued. I got a baby. I got MY baby.

The next week was a whirlwind the lawyer from Houston came to visit. We began to ready ourselves and the house and the children for our new addition.

To give you some backstory for this next part I am going to share something I haven't shared with many. The Lord told me a long time ago that He was going to give me an Afircan American boy and I would call him Isaiah. Matt knew this my family and my caseworkers and I think most of them thought I was a little crazy.

So we get to go to Houston to meet Baby Boy (his bio Mom did not name him before leaving him at the hospital). We get there we meet him he is perfect and beautiful and ours. We are sitting visiting with the caseworker. I said "I know he wasn't named but have the foster parents been calling him anything?" She said "Yes, Isaiah" My heart stopped " From the very begining like since he was in care?" I asked while laughing (Matt was behind me holding Isaiah crying) She looked at me strangely and said "Is everything allright?" I looked at her asked " Are you a believer?" She said "Yes" so I said "Well a long time ago the Lord said he would give me an African American baby boy and his name would be Isaiah". She looked at me and said "Well I guess he was right"

And isn't He always right? Along this journey there have been more times than I would like to say when I have been jealous of other peoples stories. When the get adotpive placements I am happy with just a twinge of jealousy. A little bit of when is it going to be my turn. But as my story continues to unfold I am humbled that I would ever doubt what my Father has for me. A friend sent me an email a couple of weeks ago that said "the waiting the longing it is all part of his best". This path has been so perfect so ordained so unbeliveable.

All honor and glory forever to God the author of my faith, my life, my path, and my destiny!

Isaiah means God is my salvation

Adoption Chaser

2010-10-07T06:12:00.000-07:00

We were not chosen for the little girl. We have also not been chosen for the next five or so adoptions we were submitted for. This is a hard process. The foster children who are currently living with us have a strange and complicated case. We have no idea if the will possibly be up for adoption or not. This is a scary process. I long for a sure thing. This is an unsure process. But this is an amazing journey. One that has made me reevaluate what I say I believe and what I act like. I have learned so much in the last year about myself, the God I serve, the things I value, about my marriage, and about the people I have in my life. Awhile ago I blogged about a verse. The Lord gave me a verse when I first started fostering " Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer." For the longest time I thought this verse was about the hope of having an adoptive child, about being patient in the affliction of waiting through this fostering process. The Lord has been working on my heart about this verse and I came to the realization (in the shower where I do all my great thinking) that my hope is not adoption, or in having a permanent family, but in the Lord, which cannot be touched by frustration, fear, or anything else. The Lord also revealed to me that that being a foster parent is not an affliction but a gift and an honor. In the last three months or so I have been an adoption chaser frantic almost that I need an adoptive placement by April. I have felt the clock ticking down because if I have one by April (which is most likely when our current placements case will be resolved) then if my foster children go back home then it will be less painful but that is not true. Having an adoptive placement will not reduce my attachment to the children I have know, and I already have something to hold onto Jesus. So I am giving up my fear, the fear that these are not my children and that my children are not coming. So that's me growing, changing, and realizing things ever so slowly. Thank God He is patient with me, and faithful, and good and in control.

Shades of Grey

2010-07-22T04:42:00.000-07:00

I have learned a lot this year about compassion and circumstance through foster care. On Sunday when we were driving to church the Lord broke my heart for my foster parents mother and the circumstances in her life that have lead her to this place. She has been used and abused and treated like trash her whole life. The Lord convicted my heart about praying for her with an urgency. I mean I have always prayed for her more out of obligation than anything. Because honestly I would love to adopt her children. But the flip side of that is that she would have to fail at getting her children back, and suffer the greatest loss a mother can suffer. As a Christian I should want reconciliation , redemption, and healing for her. I should want her to be justified by Christ and his love and death. I should cheer her on to victory of getting her kids back. So Monday I was reading one of my favorite blogs http://buildingtheblocks.blogspot.com/ and Amy (blog author) told a story about a mother she met at a homeless shelter that had had her children removed and had parental rights terminated by the state. This further impressed the children's mother on my heart. I am so thankful I have a God who truly loves us all right in the midst of our brokenness and teaches us to do the same!
‎"You are a sinner & I am a sinner. I know you are a sinner, you know I am a sinner, but we love each other anyway. When we stop loving each other, the whole thing breaks down." Homer F. Rogers

Update

2010-07-22T04:36:00.000-07:00

Ok so here is a quick update. Matt and I still have the little girl and boy that were placed with us in January. We are also currently waiting to hear if we have been chosen to adopt a little girl who is 1 1/2. We have been waiting for 6 weeks and hopefully we will know something in the next two. If we get to adopt this little girl we will continue to foster the children we currently have. We are excited and hopeful about this adoption. Please join us in praying for God's will to be done and that we would be conformed to it.

Ego

2010-07-21T19:39:00.000-07:00

Mine is getting dealt with here's how.....As I mentioned before we have recently started attending a different church. This has been hard for a lot of reasons one being vanity. I was someone at Lovers Lane. I was the outreach girl, I helped orchestrate big events that were creative and kind of amazing if I don't say so myself. I was good at this and many people knew this and told me this. First I was flattered, then maybe a little proud, then it turned to pride and even a little bit of self righteousness. I would get frustrated that more people weren't involved then I would think if I don't do this it wont get done ( uhhh not true Lovers Lane has a strong outreach program) then I started to resent it I was tired getting burned out but if I don't do this what will people think and I started doing in for the praise of the people. Yuck huh? Well we left Lovers Lane (not because of this we truly felt our season there was over and I do want to say our time there was amazing and fruitful and the staff and people there are truly amazing and have been an amazing support to us in some difficult times, but leave it to me to get it twisted right?) And I am no one at my new church. I don't mean they have not been welcomed or cared for I have. But on any given Sunday I am probably one of the least knowledgeable Christians at our church. Least experienced in missions and outreach. That is a good place to be in, because it is a place of learning. It is humbling I am learning to focus on God right now and what he is doing instead of what I am doing
I also feel that the Lord has specifically told me to step down from my summer position as Asssitant Director of HEROES camp. This has also been a source of pride in my life because it truly is an amazing camp, and some one who I truly respect in my profession thought enough of me (Josh Schilling) to ask me to help him run it. This is a hard position to leave because it has kinda been my baby the last couple of years and it has been exciting to grow it with the staff. But I truly feel like I am in a season in my life where I am to rest in the Lord and find my identity in Him and not how I perform.

The title of this blog...

2010-07-21T19:19:00.000-07:00

When I started this blog I named it shekhinah falling. I first heard the word from a guy who floated in and out of our lifegroup for a very short season and I immediately fell in love with the word and then as I learned about it I fell even more in love with it. It is a word which means glory of the Lord or Spirit of the Lord. The Holy Spirit. The guy grew up penecostal and would talk about shekhinah falling or shekhinah glory in his church and speaking in tongues and people getting healed. And no matter what I think about that I do believe that when the spirit of the Lord comes into a person or a place things shift and the atmosphere changes. The thought of this makes me excited even though I have little or no experience with this. So I decided I was going to go on a Holy Spirit quest but then I was distracted by something shiny and I forgot, this was about a year and a half ago. Let me give you some background I was raised in a pretty conservative liturgical Episcopal church. I learned a lot about God and his character and the church and doctrine during that time. Then I went to college and got plugged into the Wesley Foundation and the Methodist church. Where I have spent roughly the last 10 year learning about Jesus and God and their character. Which brings me to today at Mercy Place. I am learning about the Holy Spirit. I feel like God has brought me here to teach me thing and stretch me in ways that I don't understand. I feel it deep in my gut and heart. Seasons are ending, winds are changing, the atmosphere in my life is shifting. I am being dealt with. It is time for Shekhinah Falling.

The face of Jesus

2010-04-25T15:21:00.000-07:00

**Disclaimer- awkward rambling post but thats where I'm at!

Lots has happened recently...we have gotten our second placement a boy almost 4 and a girl almost 2. We have been busy trasitionaing into life as parents again. I asked the Lord to bring me children before Easter and they came the Thursday before! God is so good! The kids are great and this time has definately been an easier adjustment. We have also left our church and have been attending Mercy Place which is very different than Lovers Lane. This has been quit an adjustment. We have felt the call to leave Lovers Lane for quite some time now and have chosen comfort. But two months ago the Lord made it crystal clear that we were to go and we did. It was hard to do, we have been at Lovers Lane for five years and we have some wonderful relationships there. The transition has been uncomfortable because we were so close with Lovers Lane. We have been attending the Sunday service and a small group. It is good, this is a church after the heart of Jesus and I am being challenged in so many ways. But I am out of my comfort zone and still forming relationships and I feel a disconnect from my old friends and from my comfort zone and from God.... I am having a hard time abandoning myself and just worshipping and encountering God because I am too busy watching others and feeling self conscious. All that being said I have watched and experienced som amazing stuff in the last few weeks. This morning we were singing a worship song about seeing the face of God and the face of Jesus and I was praying and and asking to see his face to experince his glory and very quickly almost immediatly like a punch to the gut I saw the face of my foster son, then my foster daughter, then my brother, then the woman that works in my classroom, then Matt, and some of the guys from the shelter and you and you and him and her. And suddenly I didn't feel so disconnected amen....

Rest in You

2010-03-23T18:46:00.000-07:00

Well we are back on the open placement list after a two month break. The two months off were spent grieving and processing the experience having then losing the girls. I wish that I could say that I used the time wisely but I mostly shopped and watched TV. This morning I woke up early this morning to spend time with God. I intend to do this many mornings but truly do not most mornings. I listened to some worship music and read and prayed and wrote in my journal. I listened to a Waterdeep song that I have heard many times but never made much of an impact. This morning the words really took root in my heart.

All of my fears and trials Lord All of my doubts All of my shouts All of my fears and trials Lord Rest in You All of my hopes and smiles Lord All of my songs All of my longings All of my hopes and smiles Lord Rest in You You’re loving You’re patient You’re strong and true All goodness All mercy are found in You All of the praises of the Earth Rest in You All of our worries and our shame All of our hiding All of our fighting All of our worries and our shame Rest in You All of our greatest victories Lord All of our passions All that we have Everything we hold back, Oh Lord We rest in You All Praise to the One who loves me All of the nations of the Earth All of our wills All of our idols All of the nations of the EarthThey Rest in You All of the times and seasons Lord All of our griefs All of our All of the times and seasons Lord

Then I read Psalm 27 and the end of it reads
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Then I rolled over and checked my phone and had a bout 12 missed calls from our caseworker between 10:45 and 11:00 pm and I knew that we had missed a placement. I was so sad and frustrated and angry. But those sweet word of reassurance that He gave me early this morning took the edge off of these feelings. I will wait in the Lord and for the Lord for He is faithful....

Faithful in Prayer

2010-02-11T07:31:00.001-08:00

I am doing ok...most days I go along fine. I mean I am trying to be "joyful in hope, and patient in affliction" its the "faithful in prayer" thing that is getting me right now. I mean it is not that I am too angry to talk to God right now. I am not. It's just that when I talk to him I talk to him about the girls and how Panda always climbed in the dishwasher while I was loading it or how Abby could take her socks off with just her feet. Or the thousand other things I remember. Then when I think about those I start crying and I am afraid that I won't be able to stop. I am ready to be at a place where these memories bring joy instead of pain, but that is not where I am right now. So I guess I am asking that you all my amazing cloud of witnesses be faithful in prayer for me until I can be.

Promises

2010-01-28T05:25:00.000-08:00

First off I want to thank everyone for the thoughts and prayer and messages. We have felt love and supported and taken care of. So thank you.....

So the girls left to go to a kinship placement. For those of you unfamiliar with foster care this is pretty typical, nothing went wrong. The state's goal is reunification and a kinship placement (placed with a relative) is closer to that than we are. The girls parents will continue to work services in hopes of regaining custody. We will not receive updates or have any contact with the girls our roles in their lives are over. We continue to pray that the Lord works a healing miracle in this family.

We are grieving this loss staying busy planning trips and we will take some time off but we will reopen our home for placement in late March. Many people have asked how we can continue to do this, or have said that they would just quit, some who love us dearly and hate to see us hurt have implored us to reconsider this path. And that is logical trust me my brain has questioned this many times why I am doing this if it will ultimately break me if i am strong enough and so on and so on....but at the end of all that my heart still knows that this is the path the Lord has set for me and it doesn't make sense in my mind but it does in my soul, and in my heart.

This morning I was reading Exodus and I was reading about how God was leading the Israelites out of bondage through the wilderness to the Promised Land. I read about how they were groaning and complaining and how God was providing for them. I thought that is nice.....then I was brushing my teeth and the Holy Spirit spoke right to my heart and he said you know I promised you a family and I called you to walk through this wilderness and I have been with you and I will continue to walk with you through this to my promise. Then my heart started pounding because We are the Israelites and we are walking through the wilderness , and our promised child or children is the Promised Land, and then my heart was pounding so loud as I remembered how He has given provision and grown us, I could hear it in my ears, because get this, God is ...... well He is still God. Isn't it funny that was my exciting revelation this morning God is God just like He always has been.

So you see friends under normal circumstances I would also quit. But the God of the universe has offered to walk with me through this then fulfill a promise to me at the end. So I can't quit because this is just to exciting, and my children are still coming.

Also on a closing note don't feel too sorry for us because we got five months with these amazing kids, and if you knew them you know that is something to envy not pity. They taught me so much, and in some way I will always be there mother.

True Colors

2009-10-11T11:18:00.000-07:00

This week has been pretty bad between a sick toddler broken toilets, broken garage door, broken car, CPS frustration, funeral, etc......It has just been bad and I have handled it horribly. After throwing this massive fit today I ran out the back door I could not leave (broken car) so I sat down and cried then I spotted my bible and thought fine I will read it so this is the passage I opened to in James 1

4Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
5-8If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.

My faith life is a murky brown right now thanks be to Abba for reminding me to come to Him for help.

Unexpected love...

2009-10-09T12:27:00.000-07:00

I attended a funeral this morning of the priest that baptized me. He was and amazing man of faith and selflessness. He was more than just a priest he was more like family. His wife tutored me and Paul. We camped with his grandchildren who are around our age. His family was a wonderful support when my father was so sick. I have many memories of Fr. Maceo and his kin all very sweet. Two things struck me right in the chest about his funeral today. One there was no eulogy, per Fr. Maceo's request. It wasn't really even a funeral but a worship service focused squarely on Jesus. Fr Maceo thought that Gods grace is what should be celebrated today and it was. The second thing was a story that the officiating priest told about the last conversation he had with Fr. Maceo. A little back story before I recount it. Fr Maceo had Alzheimer's disease it had changed him quite a bit as it does people. I did not see him sick but I have seen people with late stage Alzheimer's before and I know it is a disease that destroys the very things that make people who they are. So with that in mind Fr. Houk told this story about Fr. Maceo. They were sitting in the lobby area of the Alzheimer care center and their was another patient being disruptive and Fr. Maceo looked annoyed and Fr. Houk said something like "Oh Bob it is just another soul that needs God's love" Fr Maceo looked him straight in the eye and said "God is Love" to which Fr Houk said "Undeserved love" to which Fr. Maceo said with a twinkle in his eye "Unexpected love". When this disease had muddled and distorted so many things in the mind of this kind amazing intelligent man, it could not muddle or destroy the faith this man had in the love and grace of his Creator. I find this to be a great comfort

Romans 8
38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Questions

2009-09-12T04:43:00.001-07:00

My life is a series of questions right now....Will they stay? Should they stay? How bad will it hurt if they leave? How long will they stay? When is there next visit? Are they confused? What are there parents like? Do they miss them? and thousands more. Some times when it is really hard or when I am scared about the heartache that I will experience if these children are not ours I ask Matt "Why did we do this?" and he says "Because we were called" or "Because He told us too?" and I believe that is true. I am amazed at Gods faithfulness to keep speaking to us even when we spend so little time listening. I have spent very little time in devotion in the last three weeks since the girls arrived. I have prayed a lot asking the questions listed above and many more. This is he scripture he has given me Romans 12:12

12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Praise God for His goodness is over all things!

The Journey

2009-08-30T04:41:00.000-07:00

So I have ventured into foster motherhood since my last post. Here is how it went.... last Friday (the Friday before school started) I received a phone call from my case worker say that we had been chosen by CPS for a placement of two girls a 6 mo old and an 18 mo old. I started crying I was so relieved we had been chosen in the weeks prior we had been passed over 3 times that I knew of for placements and that was difficult each time. Matt's phone had died and he was on his way to my school to help me with some last minute preparations for my class. So many people knew before him because I couldn't wait. i made and announcement over the PA and everyone left came in the hall to congratulate me. I went back to my room to pace and look for Matt's car. it seemed like it took him forever to get there. When he finally did I told and we went home to wait. We cleaned house, mostly because we didn't know what else to do. Then our caseworkers showed up then, CPS showed up with the girls. They are beautiful and sweet, and social girls. We spent forever signing papers...it is like buying a house. Then they left it was about 7:30, we fed the girls then out friend Kyle and Jamie came over so Kyle could help Matt and Jamie and I could go to Target. Then everyone cleared out and it was just us four. This last week has been crazy, frustrating, exhausting, exhilarating, fun, and scary. I have gone from wondering if we made the right choice if parenting much less foster parenting is right for us. I have gone from putting strangers to bed to knowing little more about these amazing girls each day. I want them to stay and the thought of them leaving is gut wrenching but pray that I know the Lord's will for my life and theirs. The week before they came I was doing my devotional and this is a passage that I was lead to in Exodus 33. It so spoke to my heart in the frustrating parts of this journey, of what I feel is a calling.

12-13 Moses said to God, "Look, you tell me, 'Lead this people,' but you don't let me know whom you're going to send with me. You tell me, 'I know you well and you are special to me.' If I am so special to you, let me in on your plans. That way, I will continue being special to you. Don't forget, this is your people, your responsibility."
14 God said, "My presence will go with you. I'll see the journey to the end."

Spiritual Twinkies and Cheetos

2009-08-08T18:11:00.000-07:00

In the Bible there is many verses about spiritual "milk" or spiritual "meat" or "solid food" such as....
I Corinthians
"1Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. 2I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. "
or
1 Peter 2:2
"2Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation.

Well my spiritual diet lately has consisted of Twinkies and Cheetos, that is all I have been craving novels and crimes shows fatty fluff. Please pray that the Lord giving an appetite for something with sustenance.

The waiting is the hardest part...

2009-08-05T06:12:00.000-07:00

Our home study is written and our license is in the mail, which means we are open for placement. So now we just wait. This has made me crazy. I ossicialate between not wanting answer the same questions over and over again and being hurt when people don't ask. On Sunday I didn't really feel like going to church because I knew I would not have answers to any of the questions for all my excited friends. On the way to church I prayed and said " God I am not really feeling it so please show up today" and He did. The sermon was about waiting, and how this time is not in vain but a time where God is preparing you for what is coming, and the scripture she referenced was about Abraham and Sarah waiting for their baby. God is good and He will speak. Our children are coming He has promised me this. As my good friend Marcy said "I look at you and I see someone who is about 6 centimeters dilated right now, it could be any day" Amen

Update

2009-07-29T05:45:00.000-07:00

Hello friends. I know it has been a while, it has been a busy and hectic summer. I wanted to update you all on our fostering process. We have received roughly 30 hours of training, had physicals, been fingerprinted, visited with other foster families, had TB tests, our house has been inspected about 3 times by 3 different entities, we have been background checked, or references have been checked, we have filled out questionnaires and been home studied. Our wonderful friends and family members have showered us with gifts and gift cards at 2 amazing showers. Now all we need is some kids! But honestly we have an amazing agency working for us with some very faithful people. The last step we are waiting on is our home study to be written which I am hoping will be complete next week. Then we wait for the placement. I pray that the next time I update this I will be introducing you to our foster child or children. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support during this time, it is felt. I love you all.

Maternal Instinct

2009-06-19T09:00:00.000-07:00

I have struggled with this concept for a long time. I have never felt very maternal, and as a women you are expected to feel this way. I mean I like babies just fine. When I see my friends pregnant I am excited for them but I don't experience that longing for a little roly snuggly thing in my womb. I have questioned my normalcy for a long time because of this. I have asked Matt while lying in bed at night "What is wrong with me why don't I want this?" This week the I was in Chicago and I was holding a friends baby and they said something to the effect that I had maternal instinct and I thought I don't feel very motherly.... but then saw a little boy who was playing by himself and something in my heart yearned to sit and talk to him. Later in the week Matt and I were praying with my friends and they prayed for our upcoming family and they said "Lord you place the lonely in families" and right then my heart burst and tears started because my friends had given words to my motherly instinct. As I lay in bed that night the Lord showed me all the ways I had this motherly instinct even though it was different from the normal that he had given me a heart that so longs to provide a family to the lonely. We start our classes tomorrow and I am so excited because I know that this is the path the Lord has chosen for us and that makes my heart sing.

Birthday Party

2009-05-24T06:18:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I had the privilege of going down to Family Gateway( a shelter for homeless families) with some of my friends to throw a birthday party for some of the children their it was a blast. We painted faces, ate cake, had gifts and goodie bags, and a pinata. As I was leaving I thought I could spend every Saturday like this and be happy. Here are some of the pictures:

Each of the birthday kids had there own personal cake then everyone else had a cake to share!

The kids were beautiful and it was so much fun!

Maintain

2009-05-24T05:38:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I posted I have mostly been trying to maintain. For those of you that know me sometimes it is not easy. Things have been crazy the last two months with family stuff and work stuff. During this time I have been reading some different books. I have read two books "The Mystical way to Evangelism" by Elaine Heath, and "the furious longing of God" by Brennan Manning. I have started reading the Ragamuffin Gospel also by Brennan Manning. These books are all amazing reads and I highly recommend them. I feel like through these books and my bible study the Lord is preparing me for a change in season of my life. "The Mystical way to Evangelism" is about the Christian Mystics and what they have taught about how we live and how we do church. (I know mysticism sounds kinda wacky but it is actually pretty biblical you can wikipedia it if you are interested) It introduces an old way to do church I say old way because it is a return to early Methodism, or even older the church of Acts. Anyways I am pretty excited about that. The other two books are about the gospel of grace. Which I thought I of all people a true "ragamuffin" understood it but there is always room to learn and both of the reads have been a cool drink for a parched soul. These books are helping me redefine my relationship with God. I am always trying to do for God to spin myself into a frenzy to please him. I experience a lot of guilt and frustration when it comes to this. But I am learning through my recent study and reading that faith is about response to what God is doing in your life. In Ragamuffin Gospel there are two quotes that really resonated with me. " A saint is not someone who is good but some one who experiences Gods goodness." I am always trying to be good instead of slowing down and experiencing what God is doing in me. Instead of working with Jesus, I find myself trying to work for Jesus. I picture God as this misery bookkeeper who is always waiting for me to fall, instead of a loving Father. I have no idea where I got this image but I am praying hard against it. I sometimes forget that the Good News is that the one who will judge us is the one who came to save us, and when He reconciles us to Him He dances and sings over us because He is so glad to have us. I just forget that sometimes. Because as Brennan Manning said " When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games. Aristotle said I am a rational animal; I say I am an angel with an incredible capacity for beer. " There are two scriptures that I feel that the Lord has especially placed on my heart for this time in my life and I will close with those.
1 Peter 2:4 (The Message)
Welcome to the living Stone, the source of life. The workmen took one look and threw it out; God set it in the place of honor. Present yourselves as building stones for the construction of a sanctuary vibrant with life, in which you'll serve as holy priests offering Christ-approved lives up to God

Romans 12:1-2
So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it.

Please pray for me in this time of transition that I may hear Gods call and respond to it.

PS I know you are all wondering about the adoption update. We are waiting on our classes we were supposed to take them in April but the were postponed until June. Which was really a blessing as we were dealing with some other stuff at that time. So we will take thos and then have our home study hopefully in July then we will be ready! We are very excited.

Open mouth kissing...

2009-04-01T18:32:00.000-07:00

I have waited a few days to write this post because I am not sure what to write. We are called to an extravagant love for all of Gods people and I fail so miserably at this on most days either because I am being to selfish or because I am to afraid of the repercussions of that love. Last Saturday my husband and I took a meal to this hospice where people with AIDS can go if they have nowhere to go and die. We have taken a few meals and have always wanted to stay but this was the first time we had the chance to. So we come bearing pork sandwiches and brownies. We meet the nurses and all the residents.We tour the place. There is a man who is lying in a dark room the nurses say he doesn't get up. You can tell the end is near for him. We sit down and have a meal. We watch Twilight. Matt has a conversation in Spanish. The men there are uncomfortable with us there. The nurses say lots of people bring food but no one has ever stayed. We are in and out in an hour and a half. I cry all the way home because it all feels so stupid and tiny. Sorry about how your life turned out here is some pork. Sorry you are alone. Sorry you somehow slipped through cracks. I cry that night in the shower because I have a house my health a job my family my husband. I cry the whole next day because I wish that I would have held the man who was in the dark rooms hand and told him about how he has a Creator who is completely in love with him.I cry because I love Gods people with an arms length pursed mouth kind of love. I cry out for God to teach me to love in a arms thrown wide kind of love. I ask God to teach me to open mouth kiss His people.

Foster / Adoption Update

2009-03-11T18:08:00.000-07:00

Today we had our home visit. This is a really casual introduction between us and the agency we have chosen. I think they do it to make sure we aren't cooking meth or have rabid dogs or something. We actually had more questions for them than they had for us. We worked out our licensing and when our classes will start. They looked around our house to make sure we had room for a child or children. We will be licensed to take two children under the age of 6. We will finish our classes by the end of April and will probably be licensed by June. We may have a baby or babies in June! We are so excited and truly feel as though this is a specific calling on our lives. We are so touched about how supportive everyone has been and truly appreciate the kind words and prayers.

Plans

2009-02-23T18:25:00.000-08:00

Matt and I are in the process of filling out paperwork in order to become licensed to foster to adopt. This the the path that God has chosen for us to receive our baby. This is a desire that has been in my heart since I was a child. My mother remembers me telling her I adopted my baby dolls. I feel a lot of things about this process and I have been asked a lot of questions about why we are doing this. People have definitely brought up all of the risks we are taking. They are all good questions and good concerns. But at the end of the day when it is just God and I talking and I say "What if my heart breaks? What if it takes too long? What if my baby never comes? What if I am a bad parent? What if I am doing this for all of the wrong reasons? What if I am not ready?" He responds with peace and it washes over me and I remember that my God is not a god of devastation and if I follow Him he will honor that. We are fostering to adopt which means that the child that is placed with us will not be available for adoption immediately but we will act as foster parents and then if the child is unable to be reunified with their parents or family they would become available for adoption. This is a scary thought. The other night I was driving home thinking about all of this and the Holy Spirit spoke into my heart and said "This is the path to your child, and if along the way you get to love a child in crisis is that the worst thing that could happen." and I decided that would not be the worst thing that could happen and that I will trust Him because as the Good Book says....

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

AMEN!

A choice

2009-02-02T04:54:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when I am up at night worrying I wonder how much faith I really have. Do I really believe what I claim to believe? Is it enough and what if I am wrong? All of the questions that I think that believers ask themselves at one point or another. But I realized the other day that faith comes down to a simple choice. I was praying the other day to be freed from a sin that has a particular stronghold in my life. Materialism. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would guide me and give me wisdom that would help me to find my worth in the source of my worth my Creator. So I prayed that prayer then opened my Bible to read and opened to Psalms so I decided to read. I read to Psalm 4 v. 6-8 which in the Message translation says

Why is everyone hungry for more? "More, more," they say. "More, more." I have God's more-than-enough, More joy in one ordinary day.

Than they get in all their shopping sprees. At day's end I'm ready for sound sleep, For you, God, have put my life back together.

My first gut reaction was "What a good word from Abba...for me!" I guess that faith means that the core of my core believes that opening to that passage was not a coincidence, but a good word from the Father in response to a earnest plea from one of his beloved. And on days when I don't feel it, when nothing in my life points to it I just choose it.

My First and My Best

2009-01-27T17:13:00.000-08:00

God deserves my first and my best. Period. He does not deserve my leftover, and my trash. Though that is often what he gets. He gets my leftover time, and money and energy. I had an experience this weekend that drove this home for me. Last week I ran at a crazy speed all week. Matt and I hardly saw each other. But we had a whole weekend free. We were going to have 48 hours of uninterrupted time together. By the time Friday came I was run down and sick. I was congested, feverish, and had a headache. I stayed this way for the next three days. Sick, sad, exhausted and demanding. I realized that this is how I often approach the throne of my Savior. Who like Matt is happy to have time with me any way he can get it, and who kindly nurses me back to health. But the fact is he deserves better. He deserves my first and my best. The rest of the world can have my leftover.

Purpose

2009-01-27T16:22:00.000-08:00

On Fridays I take the train downtown to feed the homeless. For two hours I scoop out vegetables or rice and meat for people that live at the shelter. I don't make much of a difference there. They don't need me there they are not short on kitchen staff (which is made up completely by the residents). They get the meal served whether I am there are not. I try to form relationships with the people. But they are a tough crowd...it is not only a shelter but it is also a rehab most of the people that live there are trying to get clean or stay clean. The ones that are friendly disappear after a couple of weeks. We used to pick up 3 guys on Sunday for church and we all went to lunch Matt would sometimes play ball with them. We went on vacation this summer and when we went back to the shelter they had disappeared. So much so that no one at the shelter knew who they were by the time we got back. This broke my heart. I had nightmares about where they were what they were doing or what was being done to them. So I quit going. I dropped out. I reasoned it away by saying I was too busy, but the truth is that it just hurt to bad to love those people. They were too raw, they lied too much, and then they disappeared. So after about 6 months I went back I felt drawn back. Something in my chest just kept gnawing at me to go back. So I did 4 weeks ago. My friends are still gone there is a new crop of faces some who have already disappeared. I repeat I am of no use at this place . Most of the people don't want me there if they even notice I am there. They get frustrated at me if I do not serve fast enough or if I give them peas when they don't want them, if I give them too much or too little. It is not a warm fuzzy experience. But I am drawn there and I trust there is a reason. So I go every Friday and I wear a hairnet, serve greens, smile at people who hardly ever smile back and when there is a lull I look for my friends and feel torn between being worried and relieved they are not there. I worry about them being on the street and I am hopeful that they stayed clean and reconciled with their children and family. So I scoop greens and I choke back tears, and I have to believe that God has a purpose for me to be there to cry for his children and to pray. Because otherwise I am not much good there.

A long December...

2008-11-23T19:37:00.000-08:00

Looking back over my life I can only remember one other year where at the end of it I looked back and couldn't think of a time when I wasn't holding my breath...the year my father almost died. It seems like for the last 12 months I have watched all that I knew crumble around me. Everytime I got my head above water something completely crushing would push me back under. It seemed like my family was falling apart. My marriage suffered some devastating blows. I hated my job. I was exhausted and beat down. I was scared, and heartbroken. I cried in my car every day to and from work. I would scream at the top of lungs. I drug my self to church every Sunday and cried during prayer request in Sunday as my cloud of witnesses loved me up enough to go back into the world and do it again for a week. Then I would go to service and cry as I sang praise songs. They were prayers rather screams for strength, for faith, for peace, for humilty, for the right words, the glue to put it all back together. He answered. No it is all not back together. My marriage is growing stronger, my family is what it is, I have a better job. Things are brighter. But He is good and if everything was still crumbling He would still be good. Because He simply is. Because he never left, he listened, loved, grew me in the midst of my hell. He took my feet and put them one in front of the other. He is my Father, my friend, the great healer, He is LOVE and I am loved...Amen

2008-11-23T19:26:00.000-08:00

I know that the title is not profound or even original. The thing is I used to write a long time ago in another life.I am going to try this. I am sure most of you think I am to young to have another life but I am not trust....So this is gonna be about whatever I see fit to write about. I am just trying sort through the thing that is my life. Here are the things about me. I love the Lord, and I am trying my best to follow Him everyday. I have been married for six and a half years to Matt. I have a brother Paul and a niece and nephew Zoey and Caleb, and a sister in law Dawn. I teach kindergarteners with disabilties. Those things are kind of the pillars of who I am. A wife, sister, daughter aunt who has been washed clean by Christ.